So you’ve decided to get married! Congratulations!!
Here are a few thoughts to help you plan the Big Day.
The most important piece of advice is to keep it simple.
Above all, your wedding day is about you, and committing your future life together into God’s love, care, protection and prosperity.
Upwards of 20 years in ministry has taught me the salutary lesson that the most extravagant weddings do not always lead to the most successful marriages! Indeed, the financial and other pressures of a Great Big Wedding can often strain relationships from Day One.
The wedding has to be right for you, and for the people that you actually want to share it with you – not necessarily obscure distant relatives you haven’t seen since you were pre-school ; nor indeed every work colleague, including the ones you don’t really like!
Now … you don’t have to be a church member to be married, not even in church! Nor do I insist on “preparation classes”. However, I will happily provide you with resource material about Christian marriage from ministers respected throughout the world.
This will help you to think through the nuts and bolts of married life. Above all, it’s down to your commitment to make it work, and this involves you both learning to listen, to forgive, and to be thoughtful and unselfish. Dead easy!! Aye, RIGHT!! But very worth the effort!!
Having said all that, here are a few practical suggestions to help you have a great day without undue stress and strain.
First, consider where you’re going to have it. And remember that, if you’re going for an outdoor venue, in Scotland we cannot guarantee dry weather, even in summer! Is there cover? Seats? Toilets?
Old-fashioned as it may seem, a church wedding at least ensures you have a roof over your head in all weathers, plenty of seats, and a “comfort station”. All our buildings are disability-compliant.
Second, consider when you’re going to have it. Weddings do not need to take place on Saturday afternoons! In fact, you will find that reception venues, photographers etc are usually more readily – and less expensively – available on, say, Fridays.
I would also, respectfully, point out that many ministers, including me, take Saturday as our usual day off.
That said, I can make myself on a limited number of Saturdays but please be prepared, if you want a Saturday, to be flexible with regard to both the date and the time of the ceremony.
On the subject of receptions, some couples have found that a meal for immediate family and friends, followed by a ceilidh in the village hall for a wider circle, is every bit as good – and involves much less financial commitment – than feeding the proverbial 5,000 in a hotel!
Oh, and one more thing about receptions. Always schedule the speeches BEFORE the meal, so that the speakers can enjoy their food without worrying about standing up to speak afterwards.
As to the content of the wedding service itself, I am happy to have your ideas about hymns – choose ones you like, not necessarily ones you think people will “know” – and readings. I’m also OK with you choosing what vows you take – I’ve attached two possible sets.
However, any wedding I conduct, whether in church or in the middle of a field, will have an explicitly Christian content, with Scripture readings and prayers. For these reasons, I do insist on knowing in advance what readings and vows you have chosen.
Likewise, if a friend or family member is taking part in the service, please ensure that they “run past me” what they intend to say. This is simply to ensure the integrity and smooth flow of the service.
Well in advance of the wedding, we will meet up for a cuppa and talk through your ideas and any questions you might have.
Now for a few specific, practical, do’s and don’t’s.
1. Apart from your two selves, the most important item to bring to the service is the Marriage Schedule from the local Registrar. You will both need to complete a number of forms and produce Birth Certificates etc.
2. To make sure you get the Schedule, you contact the local Registrar for the place where the wedding is to be held, at least 6 weeks in advance of your wedding. For example, if the wedding is in Ancrum or Lilliesleaf Kirks, this means Hawick ; for Crailing, it’s Kelso.
3. The Registrar will ask you for the name and designation of the person conducting the service. Just to be clear, if it’s me, you should write … Rev Frank Campbell, minister, Ale & Teviot United Church of Scotland
… NOT, please, minister of Ancrum Parish Church, Crailing Parish Church, or Lilliesleaf Parish Church, as these – legally – no longer exist.
However, it is still perfectly OK to refer to Ancrum Church, Crailing Church, or Lilliesleaf Church, as the place where the wedding is to take place. Sorry if this is a bit confusing, but the less scope we allow for any technical hitches, the better!!!
4. The Schedule MUST be presented to me before the wedding can take place. This is a legal requirement! We can cope if the wedding rings are forgotten – ring-pulls off a coke can would do in an emergency – but … NO CERTIFICATE means NO WEDDING!!!
5. Please agree with me not only the date and the place but also the TIME of the wedding BEFORE making your arrangements!
This is especially true for Saturday weddings – as I say, I have only limited availability on Saturdays. Please be prepared to be flexible to avoid possible disappointment.
6. Our church organist is Colin Fox [01835-850728], and if the wedding is in church it would be normal for you to invite Colin to play at the service. If the service is not in church, or if you want any additional musicians such as a piper to play you into church, that’s entirely up to you.
7. Whoever is providing the music, it’s a good idea to contact them well in advance to make sure they are free on the Big Day, and to discuss your musical requirements – typically two hymns, a march “in” and a march “out”, although you are free to vary this to suit yourself.
8. You are free to make your own arrangements regarding flowers, but if the service is to be in church, the Flower Convener would appreciate a courtesy call, so that she can plan for the Sunday following. At Ancrum, it’s Elizabeth Forsyth [01835-830213]; at Crailing it’s Marjorie Hunter [01835-862539] ; at Lilliesleaf it’s Karen Coats [01750-22566]
9. Videos and photographs are OK by me, provided the camera operators are discreet and have a due sense of the occasion. It’s YOUR day, not theirs. But … NO flash during the service.
10. At church, confetti may be used outside but not inside ; please think of the church cleaner!! At other venues, you should check with the proprietor if confetti is allowed.
11. In church weddings, the signing of the register will take place at the communion table, after which I would normally permit the taking of photographs.
12. It’s usually a good idea to have a rehearsal the day before the wedding. This lets you “walk through” it all and helps to prevent panic on the Big Day when the nerves are jangling anyway. The best man, along with as many of the bridesmaids as possible and the chief usher should come with you to the rehearsal. Parents also like to be asked. This is as good a time as any to bring the Marriage Schedule [see above].
13. The minister does not usually attend the reception, and does not expect to be invited. You have more than enough people to try to fit in without bursting the bank – so please accept our apologies.
14. When printing orders of service, I suggest that you print ONLY the words of the hymns. Most printers have a stock order of service that bears absolutely no resemblance to what I do!!
15. If you want to record the service on CD / DVD, remember that you are responsible for any copyright implications. Please speak to me on this in plenty of time.
16. Now the question no-one likes to ask … fees for weddings. In fact, all I ask is that you reimburse the church for expenses – electricity, cleaning and organist for services in church, travel if it’s elsewhere.
I suggest a donation to Ale & Teviot United Church as follows :
In church : if you have no church connection : £120
In church : if either or both of you are connected with our church : £60
The above includes payment for our own church organist, but you would be responsible for paying any other musicians separately.
Any other local venue : no church connection : £60
Any other local venue : if you have a church connection : £30
Any non-local venue : the above, plus 40p per mile for travel
Please bring this to the rehearsal.
17. Last but by no means least … ENJOY YOUR WEDDING!
My e-mail address : info@aleandteviot.org.uk